I drove up to my beloved alma mater today to share my vast knowlege of graduate school (which still makes me laugh, considering I'm a bit of a fuckup in that department) with some like-minded undergraduates. And as I was travelling that familiar stretch of road, I couldn't help but think back on the period in my life when I made that trip in reverse, and driving north was the direction of home.
I'm not the kind of person who regrets much of what she's done in the past (aside from a few choice moments of utter stupidity I could have done without), because past actions are what make us who we are today. It's the things I didn't do that I regret. I didn't fully appreciate how good I had it during those four years - how completely surrounded I was by my kind of people. Sure, there were the obligatory shitheads, but they were far outnumbered by people I actually liked. And I had hot meals waiting for me in the cafeteria. I bitched and moaned about the food to no end, yes, but at the moment I'd much rather eat Marbeck than scour my cupboards for something decent to eat. And, most importantly, I didn't take all the risks I should have. I played it safe far too often. I stayed quiet when I should have said something. I settled for the status quo when I could have attempted something more progressive - and in all likelihood failed nonetheless, but at least I would know I tried. Cliche, I know, but I think a certain amount of living in the moment is healthy. At least it makes for a more interesting life.
Then again, I can't know for sure that I would be happier or more content with my life now if I'd done and said the things I wish I had. Milan Kundera comes to mind again (I swear, he's taken over my mind):
We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.
Maybe the almost certain humiliation that would have resulted from doing and saying those things would make me less happy now. Those moments have long since passed anyway, and contemplating them at length only makes me less progressive in my life now.
None of this is to say I'm unhappy with my life. Quite the opposite, actually; for the first time in a good while, I can say that I'm content - as long as I live for the moment. Anything beyond that is rather unsettling.
On a completely unrelated note, I make a whole lot of stuff:
You're Taiwan!
Despite enormous setbacks, including the fact that most people refuse to
recognize who you are or even that you exist at all, you've built yourself into quite a
productive person. You've got a little trouble maintaining a sense of personal order,
but through the mess, you're still very industrious and have a small but pivotal impact on
almost everyone you know, and even people you don't. You make a whole lot of stuff.
Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid
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